Jehovah Jireh

The last two days have held a number of small, simple reminders for me about God's provision.

I'm not normally an anxious person.  However, all the factors concerning my ordination process have created anxiety for me.  It's easy for me to identify why: I'm not in control of anything.  It's no different now than just before Advent: if progress is going to be made, it's going to come from the whirlwind of God's grace, not from my own feeble efforts to make things move.  I knew that going into "the process;" but I didn't know how much it would stay true throughout the process!

"The process," basically, involves oodles of meetings and paperwork.  I had to get a four page document filled out by my primary physician... but I didn't have a primary physician.  I have to fill out a lengthy (30+ pages) for a psychological exam that ALSO has to be completed by March 15th by a psychologist / psychiatrist who only offers appointments during normal business hours.  The vestry had to approve and sign my application for postulancy.  My Parish Discernment Committee had to go well. I had to get official transcripts from both my educational institutions.

My transcripts went out on the day I faxed the forms to Houghton and Yale.  My PDC has gone exceedingly well; at every meeting someone has said "You were born to be a priest!"  I found out that the deadline for the psychological exam is actually later than March 15th, so I'll be able to complete it during my spring break; I won't have to miss any work to get it done.  Finally, even though the doctor's office I ended up going to told me it could take as long as two weeks to process my paperwork and get my records, they got them over the weekend and my meeting took a scant 90 minutes.

At any point a serious delay could have happened to keep me from moving forward.  And while I'm by no means assured that TBOAPE (the best of all possible events) will take place (i.e. that I'll be ordained by next June), my anxiety decreases with every mini-step that I accomplish.  Whether or not I finally get ordained in the Episcopal Church, I can see with a new clarity that God's grace is guiding my steps and providing for me.

Many of my friends in the Wesleyan church can point to a youth camp or a revival or a sermon experience where they "heard a voice" calling them into full time ministry in the church.  I've never heard an audible divine voice in that kind of context, at least not that I can remember.  But when wonderful people sit in a room with me and agree with me that God's grace has been given to me it confirms the inner call that I have slowly learned to listen to: that all my passions and interests are for God's work, to try to be more like Jesus in the world (or at least exactly who Jesus wants me to be).

Again: I'm not normally an anxious person.  Probably, living at home and then being in college and then graduate school, the number of possible anxieties I've faced is relatively small.  I haven't, if I'm honest with myself, had to look for God's grace that hard.  I haven't had to rely on God's grace all that much: it was everywhere, abundant, the foundation of everything that I had or knew.  Now that I'm an "adult," however, there are so many more things to worry about: the "process," finances (so I should have worried about these a bit more), jobs, automobiles... and fitting faith into all that mess.

I feel like I'm learning a new skill.  Or at least practicing one, on my own, that others provided and exercised for me: the skill of naming and claiming God's grace in my life.  The skill of being able to honestly and thankfully say the words to the song I learned growing up:  "Jehovah Jireh, my Provider, Your grace is sufficient for me.  My God shall supply all my needs, according to his riches in glory.  He shall give his angels charge over me.  Jehovah Jireh cares for me."