Smart Phones. Dumb Questions.

I can't sleep.  It's 2:30 a.m. on a school night.

I hardly think that I'm weary with the pain of Jacob's wrestling, but my mind is definitely not at peace.

I've needed wanted needed a new phone practically since I got the one I have now, the first Christmas after I got married.  I got a refurbished phone from the dealer.  From day one, it turned itself on and off repeatedly at will until I had one bar of battery left.  For the first year it would only do it if I wasn't using it.  Since then, it's done it whether I've been sending or reading a text, setting my alarm (usually primary function #1 of my phone), or even a couple times when I have been having a conversation on it.  I should have sent it back during the warranty period, but I never did.  I couldn't exercise the initiative.

My dad at Christmas noticed it and we had a conversation about me ordering a new phone, now that I've had the same phone for quite some time.

To add in some of my internal dilemma, I've said repeatedly that I don't even want a smartphone.  I don't want my e-mail access 24/7.  I didn't even really want a cell phone in the first place.  I got one only because I was going to school so far from where my parents lived and needed a way to stay in touch with them.

So when my dad asked me the other night if I still wanted a new phone (yes, I know, Christmas was a while ago), I automatically got out on the website to see what upgrades I could get for free.  I was surprised to note that there were actually more non-smartphone options than there were when I got the phone I have now.  However, I noticed I could get an iPhone upgrade for free.

I more or less jumped at the chance.  The only hesitation that preceded any action on my part was that we really can't afford to pay for a data plan.  I called my dad and he said don't worry about it, so of course as soon as I got home I got online and had it shipped here.

But in my sleepless state, I'm having second thoughts.  First of all, if I were a government and I wanted to have 1984 / Fahrenheit 451 levels of control over people, wouldn't smartphones be the best way to do it?  I mean, never mind that Google is actually destroying any notion of privacy as we know it, and has been for years.  The internet itself, facebook, whatever, it's all tracking our data.  I was just remarking the other day that I can't imagine political smear campaigns ten years from now, when all you have to do to "dig up dirt" on someone is spend ten minutes surfing through facebook photos.  Yikes.

I know, I know, it sounds a little conspiracy-ish.  I can't help it.

I also wonder: is Thoreau still Thoreau if he has a smartphone?

If I have a smartphone, will I become a consumer of nature, of experience, rather than someone who merely exists?  Will I I always be plugged in (like how I'm writing this lengthy rambling attempt to come to closure online instead of paper)?

The other thing bothering me is essentially this question: Am I really so desperate to conform?  Do I talk a big game (saying I don't want a smartphone) to justify the fact that I can't afford to be like everyone else, but then abandon all my swagger at the first chance to join the crowd?  Do I want to conform, or do I want to be different?  How badly do I want to be just like everyone else, to have nice things like everyone else, to fall at the altar of Apple?

Why do I feel differently about getting an iPhone than I do about my long held plans to get an iPad this summer, or to use frequently the iPod touch I've had for a year and half?  I even said to my wife that having an iPhone eliminates the need for me to get a new iPod touch, which is something she and I have both talked about.  Is having a smartphone really so different than having both an iPod and a non-smartphone anyway?

Growing up in a holiness tradition, I heard NON-stop about the importance of being "set apart."  God has called me to be a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation.   I must and shall live a pure, set apart and holy life.  Non-Chrisians should look at me and see something different and be attracted by my way of life to the God who makes me holy; that's what St. Francis's quote about preaching the gospel without using words means, duh.  "Holiness, holiness is what I long for."

What is a Christian approach to living with technology?  Is there a "Christian" approach to technology?  Should there be?  How different do I have to be?  Does being different mean avoiding what everyone else is doing?  Can I do what everyone else is doing and just do it differently, with a different mindset and different attitudes and different emphases?  I want to make some comment about Wendell Berry here, but never having read more than two of his poems I can't.  But I wish I could.

Is this a matter of faith?  Is this a matter of my identity, of the way that I mark myself out as different from everyone else?  Or is it the weary ramblings brought on by party-food dinner and too much end of the year stress?  I'm not sure how important to let all of this be.  Part of me wants to cancel the order.  Part of me knows I could do that and return it at any time, especially to downgrade.  Part of me is already upset with myself for being so impulsive, the same part of me that remembers a meeting with a psychologist who recommended that I be more impulsive because she could tell right away how cautious I am, who much I need to approve of what I do before I do it.  Do I need more time to think about this?  Would I even come to a different conclusion?  Part of me can't believe I didn't talk all this out with my wife before I acted and ordered it.  I feel judged by her... which says far more about me than it does her.  I feel judged a lot, internally; probably because I unconsciously play the role of judge in most of my everyday life.  I think that my small differences from other people make me a better person.  How arrogant, how ridiculous is that?

Almighty God, to whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid; Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name, through Christ our Lord.  Amen.