"Babies need security." Clara's granny e-mailed us those words last week, in response to a thank-you note that also gave an update about how our first week was going. Cyprian's first night was lovely: other than nurses coming in all the time to check on things (and poke him in the foot with a needle to run some blood work), he slept pretty well. We didn't really think we were going to lose as much sleep as we had been warned we would! Why did everyone keep telling us to sleep when he was sleeping?
The second night was AWFUL. Basically, he tried to feed all night long. At about 2 a.m. Clara asked me to hold him and I managed to coax him to sleep and hold him until about 4. But then it was back to feeding again until 7 or so. Clara was exhausted in every way possible when the pediatrician came in to check on Cyprian that morning. She was lovely, and told us that everyone talks about labor and delivery so much but she felt like people need to know more how hard it is to have those first few nights. So if you're reading this and you don't already know, this is your warning: Night #2 breastfeeding is tough. Basically, your prolactin levels stimulate more milk production overnight than during the day, and baby is auto-conditioned to know about it. And he (or she!) will want to feed ALL THE TIME.
So the nights continued. Neither Clara or I are great nappers, and we still find it hard to "sleep when baby sleeps," even though we know we should. I napped once this week during my last few days off before heading back to school on Friday. Clara naps every other day, but it often takes her the entire time she has between feedings to settle down to be able to sleep, and she just has a hard time thinking it will be worth it to even try. So we're gradually getting more and more tired, incrementally more irritable, and missing the bygone days of as much sleep as we want!
And I've been ruminating. What kind of parents do we want to be? Do we want to ignore the warnings to have Cyprian sleep with us so we can both get some semblance of sleep, in the name of developing Cyprian's infant independence? Or do we want to figure out how to let him cry himself to sleep on his own?
"Babies need to feel secure." Somewhere I saw something saying children need to know their parents take them seriously. When Cyprian communicates his needs to us, all he can do now is cry. But if I start to discount that crying, assuming now he just needs to "get it out of his system" and "learn to be by himself," what kind of habits am I building in myself for the future? Perhaps more importantly - and much more worryingly - what kind of expectations am I creating for him? That his crying doesn't matter (and how will that work as an issue of gender)? That his problems don't matter to his parents? That weakness or inability need to make him insecure because his parents can't or won't do anything about them?
Babies have a hard entrance into the world. Warm, dark, safe and secure is the womb. Cold, loud, boundless and uncertain is the world. Babies are wrapped in their mother's protective embrace for their entire fetal development, and then (in this culture, apparently) encouraged to be alone and independent. Should Cyprian right now start to experience most of life on his back? Or do I want to be a parent who rides closer to the risk of "spoiling" my child in the interest of taking all his problems seriously? Is independence a worthwhile goal?
I don't want to get caught up between two opposite positions. Yes, sometimes I suggest to Clara that maybe he doesn't want to feed, and we need to experiment with other ways of calming him down. And sometimes I hesitate just a few moments longer than she would when he starts to fuss. But I'm going to go over and pick him up and try to calm him down, to let him know that I am there and I'm concerned about whatever it is he's fussing about, even if it is "non-specific baby angst." And I'll ride the line between always holding him and trying to control his future independence even at the stage when he is most vulnerable and needs me the most.
I'll try to find the middle way, the golden mean, the via media between independence and total dependence.
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